#AdoptiveMomFailure

I feel like I live out this hashtag daily.  Seriously.  No joke.

I'm going to be very vulnerable in this post.

I had so many ideas on how glorious adopting would be.  The ideas have definitely changed over the course of our 10 year journey.  I always thought we would work in a group home or do foster care for years.  That our kids would just become one of us before it was ever 'official.'  I never imagined I'd be looking to beautiful Asian eyes or traveling half way around the world.  But, all those are exciting differences and welcomed changes!

It's the others I wasn't prepared for.

I thought the months leading up to our adoption our family would be so close knit.  The kids are super excited and we talk often about how life will be different soon.  But, my kids are going through a mean streak right now.  Between arguing with each other, being lazy about chores and mama's extra stress...let's just say this isn't the heavenly realm I had envisioned our new kids would be walking into.  I am so thankful Mr. Prince and I have been close and in tune through this last year, though.  I might have had a mental break down by now if we hadn't!  And we are tackling the attitudes with our kids and praying things will turn around here soon.

(The Empowered to Connect Adoption Conference we just attended this past weekend gave us so much to work on.  And we've already seen changes in our kids in just 3 DAYS!  Praising God for that!)

I started a bible study in the summer and I still have yet to really pick it up again.  I thought I would be seeking and growing so much through all this, but it just looks so different than I had imagined.  My closest moments with Christ right now are the secret tears I shed every few hours as I think about and pray for my kids across the world, see a beautiful Asian child, watch my kids fighting, look at my to-do list, worship in the car or reflect on this journey.  I feel like an emotional basket-case.  And I spend my days thanking God for his provisions, begging him for mercy during our transition and constantly giving this journey back to him.  Because, truthfully, I want to control it.  And I know I can't.  But, I still catch myself trying.  I feel like a child asking over and over again for a puppy from mom and dad.  And I feel him every.single.day reminding me that He's here and He has gone before me.  He is my comforter more than anything these days.  My friends might be worried about me if I shared all my thoughts with them daily!  So glad God is there for my in my secret moments.  My faith and trust have been deepened even more through this journey.  I may not be doing some in-depth study, but I'm growing more than ever before in much more life altering ways!

I also had all these great ideas for handmaking a backpack for Frannie (fabric already purchased), crocheting a nesting bowl set for Finn (yarn purchased), making fun t-shirts that say big brother/sister and little brother/sister in Mandarin, and making cloth books of our family to send to both kids.  None of these projects are even started and there is no way they will be completed.  I also wanted to paint my living room and put up some collages of the kids, include Frannie and Finn.  Ugh.  I did make some cloth fortune cookie ornaments for family with their title (aunt, uncle, grandma, etc) on the 'fortune' for Christmas this last year, BUT...I got the flu and never even finished the ones for the kids or me!  I just has all these things I wanted to DO.  And since I'm drowning in bills, paperwork, flight schedules, homeschool, grading and fundraising.....it's just not gonna get done.

I had actually planned to induce lactation for my kids to give them breastmilk (not nurse them).  It's really important to me that they get something I wasn't able to provide them as infants, and I think it will help with immunity, gut health and the transition into a new country with new foods.  With less than two months left and already feeling too busy, I can't add pumping 6x a day into my schedule.  (I didn't originally include this in my blog post, but I know that others need to hear this as well.)  This has been a very emotional decision for me.  I am thankful that a few people have offered to donate some breastmilk this summer so I can still offer them an awesome immunity boost.  But, this was a huge let down for me.

I thought I could afford new sheets for the kids.....I can't.

I thought we would be done fundraising by now.....we aren't.

I thought the wait would be easier considering I've already been 'waiting' for years.....it's harder.

I thought I would be so organized with all this crazy paperwork.....I'm not.

I thought we would finish homeschool early.....we won't.  We may not even finish all I had planned...

This journey looks so different from what I had imagined.  And all the details I'm stressing over now will be forgotten in 3 months time.  But, that doesn't mean they don't weigh on me now.

Adoption is hard.  And I haven't even DONE it yet!!

I told my little brother-in-law the other night to just consider me 7 months pregnant, because that's how I feel.  Uncomfortable, about ready to burst with emotions at any moment, stressed, nesting, planning, preparing...  Watch out!

Not sure I had anything really important to share.  I know those other adoptive families out there will get where I'm coming from!

Please continue to pray for us.  Pray for the funds to come in, for our children's attitudes to continue to change for the better, for traveling to China, for Frannie and Finn's transition.  We really appreciate the prayers, thoughts, encouragement and scripture that has come in over the last few months!

I could meet my babies in less than 60 days.  It's surreal!!